Dear Ms. Anon Advice,
I read your column the other day where a lady was seeking advice about wanting to get her husband married for a second time, for the sake of having children. I myself have been toying with this idea but my reasons are different.
I want my husband to marry anther woman, preferably a divorcee or a widow, with or without one or two kids. My reasons are to help support someone, and give them a life of peace and security, in this cruel society, which makes life not only difficult but also miserable for a single woman, or even a single parent, specifically a single mother.
I’m writing to you, however, because I am unable to foresee and think through a few factors, and I hope you can help me out like you helped out that other lady. Most importantly, I haven’t been able to discuss this with anyone in my family or friends circle, or even my husband, because I’m not ready to put this idea forth yet, until and unless I am a hundred percent sure and ready. I don’t want a noble idea to reach the wrong ears and mouths, or reach the right ears in wrong lights or at the wrong time.
So first off, I have not yet discussed this with my husband due to several reasons, one being, frankly, what if it gives him ideas. I don’t want him rushing to tie the knot with the next available lady just because he thinks I’m okay with the idea, before I am fully on board or completely ready. Jokes apart, I don’t want this happening without my full consent.
Secondly, while we feel we are a complete family, our kids are young. I don’t want to help someone else, only to find that in future, we ourselves might be tight or my children’s financial future has been jeopardized due to my passion for noble causes.
So please help me decide so I can plan accordingly.
A Noble Wife
Dear Noble Wife,
If you had carefully read the other lady’s concerns and my response to her, you wouldn’t even be writing in. But since this is a less discussed topic, I am responding to you so that other readers may benefit as well.
You yourself have answered your query toward the end. I wouldn’t recommend taking such a huge step when you have even an iota of doubt left. This decision does not involve you alone. And even if nothing goes wrong ever, your whole life will be spent worrying about otherwise normal and harmless things. This will take a toll on the lives of everyone involved.
You need to be absolutely sure that your intentions and feelings won’t change over time.
See, the rule of thumb is never to marry out of pity, or marry thinking you’re doing someone a favour. You’re not doing a favour when you bring someone in your life on an equal status/footing as you. If you ever marry someone out of pity, you subconsciously believe that she is less than you but eventually it will hit you that she doesn’t have to do more than be grateful, and that too to your husband only, not you – because a man does not need his previous wife’s permission to remarry provided he can do justice between all his wives and that his intentions /reasons are not based on lust alone. The dynamics of this entire situation do not revolve around your own feelings alone. They also depend on, and are greatly affected by, others’ reactions to your feelings. For example, when you realize that she is your husband’s equal wife even though you came first, jealousies and resentments are likely to surface due to sharing something that was once solely yours – your husband, his time, his affection, his concerns, your relationship and companionship. This is very easily likely to make it difficult for your husband to balance between his two wives even if he honestly wants to do justice. Add to this mess the children of two mothers and two fathers, and things could truly hit the fan if not handled well. These dynamics can’t always be foreseen before they actually pan out.
Gone are the days when people had big and fearless hearts, and everyone could live in harmony.
If you really want to help someone like this, there are always other ways. You could always help such widows and divorcees find a suitable match, and monetarily help men who are willing to marry such women. This way, you’d be helping two people in fact, and the positive implications of such gestures are much, much higher and far-reaching.
Noble intentions need not lead to devastating solutions, especially when there are so many safer and more beneficial options out there. There is no dearth of single men willing to marry/ remarry.
I’ll reiterate that had you read the other lady’s concerns and my response more carefully, you wouldn’t have needed to approach me. That couple’s reasons were completely different. You don’t have anything tying your hands to stick to a second marriage as the only solution. In fact, you don’t have a problem for which a solution would be needed. You have an idea the desired outcome of which can be achieved via several non-invasive and equally beneficial paths.
Ms. Anon. Advice