Marching On

One took a three months break from attempted satire, from March to May. At one point it felt as if this 90 days break was ending up like Gen Zia’s 90 days promise of holding elections after his coup in 1977. Those 90 days spread over eight years, as the elections occurred in 1985.

In these three months, while struggling with the routines of useful work and useless reflections on Pakistani political circus and social rumpus, one realized that men in Pakistan and elsewhere have only one real threat – the women.

March – both as a month and as a verb – has significant importance in our big politics and short history. From March 1940 till this March of 2019, our political ancestors and their unanticipated descendants have managed something amusing every March, without fail.

This March however almost overshadowed many a March of the past.

The Aurat March hit us men so hard that its impact is not leaving. An insight from Aurat March is that anything which hits men in face or between legs from the front leaves pain which keeps aggravating by way of its snowballing memory, day by day.

A momentary swerve or curl is not enough to gyrate out of it; a whole unwinding is needed to outgrow of this double humiliation.

But, we were not the only one who felt that way, many a woman expressed great solidarity with us in that swerving, curling, and smirking.

The second insight thus is, one does not need a male body to be a man – this distortion can happen to any gender, and any sex with the right training and conditioning.

This can be the next project for PTI’s revolution, after it has dealt with the forthcoming budget, and the dollar spike which is not going away, only going up.

The April saw the unprecedented Cabinet reshuffle, where certain leading stars of the PTI were made to March out, or elsewhere.

I felt sort of sad with Asad Umar’s marching orders, but felt exuberant over real and much-desired elevation of Fawad Chaudhary from a boring Information portfolio to exciting Science and Technology realm. The latter finally got a loud voice and motivated champion.

Now the future of science is very bright in Pakistan, you bet.

He is so cut out for this Ministry. One of the many valuable credentials he demonstrated is his very first month in the new hot seat is the sighting of the moon almost 3 weeks before the 29thof Ramzan. Even though, it seems his charms and chaand are not working in KP, I am optimistic.

The month of May brought us the blessing of Ramzan and another kind of holy entertainment from the NAB Chairman.

The way ‘NAB Chairman’s leaks’ are handled by NAB, we have seen a reinforcement of the fact that the real threat to Pakistan’s peace, progress and prosperity is not from India, Jews, Hindus, the leftist-fascists, the Americans and/or even the Qadianis.

The real threat to Pakistan is from an enemy we all die to befriend – Pakistan’s women in general, and in particular those who don’t behave as we men want them to.

But the fact of the matter is, any woman who starts thinking and starts talking, essentially starts misbehaving.

Now, after managing the budget and taming the dollar, the real project is how to tame women. I am sure, along with running the information portfolio, Ms. Awan could be entrusted with this job too.

A happy Eid to all and may no woman bothers our celebration of this blessed day.

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Arshed Bhatti

Arshed Bhatti

Arshed Bhatti is a typical Pakistani who operates at very high level of confidence with extremely low level of knowledge. Being true Muslim he believes the real life is in the hereafter and urges countrymen to take it easy, and enjoy the talk shows. He writes songs, satire and fake non-fiction. He tweets @CivilJunction