Altaf Hussain’s ‘sex lesson’ aftermath

Supporters shown how they have been ‘doing it wrong’ all along

Karachi, February 29: Speaking in between long, luxurious sighs and visibly basking in the glow of the morning after, workers of the MQM admitted that they had been in the dark about all that a man and woman could do together until Altaf Hussain explained “everything” to them and their children in a telephonic address.

After asking children to stay in their seats during his weekly address to supporters yesterday, Altaf Hussain spoke in graphic detail about the “makhsoos amal” that men and women undertake together.

“Your parents know what I’m talking about,” he quipped.

However, most parents appeared listless up until the very end of the lesson, when a senior party worker mimed a stick going into a hole to stir their imaginations.

They rushed out of the auditorium at the end of the address and only returned this morning with flushed faces and disheveled hair, after admittedly only just realizing that they had abandoned their children, many of them infants, for nearly twenty-four hours.

‘I didn’t know my body could do that’

“What the quaid-e-tehreek revealed today has changed my marriage forever,” said a young gynecologist upon returning in the morning. “I always thought sex involved rubbing knees with your wife in a dark room and waiting,” he said, winking slyly.

“Honestly, it’s a miracle my husband and I were even able to have a kid judging by the…technique we used,” said a sought-after sex therapist.

“We thought all kids were born in the same way as Baby Jesus,” said a Christian pastor, as both him and his wife looked down in embarrassment.

“Bollywood had me believe that dancing around blooming flowers was the way to do it,” said a botanist, regretfully. “India has always tried to lead us astray,” said his wife, a historian.

‘Bhai ke kehne per ker daala…’

Some observers have linked Altaf Hussain’s recent seminar on sex with the sudden rise in acts of public indecency reported by authorities such as the police and senior members of the Islami Jamiat-e-Talaba.

Couples and mixed groups have been arrested in large numbers from parks, bus stands and public toilets across the city, after they were found rolling around on top of each other in varying states of undress. According to sources, a majority of perpetrators were apprehended in the vicinity of the Quaid’s mausoleum in Saddar.

Public decency watchdog and inadvertent columnist, Oreo Maqbool Jaan said the sudden rise in public indecency after Altaf Hussain’s address illustrated the dangers of Western-imported sex education.

“In our culture, there is only one acceptable time to talk about sex,” he opined, “When charming uncles like me want to embarrass young dulhans on the night of their baraat.”

Incidentally, a few parents with older children were visibly discomfited by Altaf Hussain’s lessons in sex yesterday. They have not been seen or heard from since.

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Ahmad Durrani

Ahmad Durrani is Associate Editor at Daily Pakistan Global. He is also an independent researcher and journalist working for Tanqeed, a South Asian journal of politics and culture. He tweets at @ahmad_sdurrani.