An Open Letter To Santa Claus from a Pakistani Liberal

Dear Santa Claus,

I hope you are doing well and that this letter reaches you in time. I know you might not know much about me (apart from whether I’ve been naughty or nice) so let me introduce myself.

I’m a progressive liberal in a small country you might not have heard about: The Islamic Republic of Pakistan. I know that you, being a saint and all, cater strictly to a Christian market and ignore all other religions when it comes to providing things that are deserved by all equally. I find that highly offensive as a human, as well as a Pakistani. In Pakistan we treat all Muslims equally. But this isn’t about religion, sir. This is about something as real as my neo-liberal points of view.

This is about the elves.

I hope this letter reaches you in time. Meaning I hope you get to read this in Buzzfeed, which is my primary means of putting across important information to a person, rather than speaking to them directly. It is also where I obtain fun factoids to name-drop at my nightly trolling. Before your fascist toy factory built on draconian laws of oppression starts churning out products that should deservedly go towards improving the lives of your elf workers, but instead fuels a global propaganda to fill your coffers with…whatever currency they use in the North Pole. And for endorsement deals with soft drink companies. I must say I’m appalled and this letter is going to highlight the many ways in which you have offended me. Before I forget to say so you Santa Claus, are racist.

How are you racist? Does it really matter? Me saying so without having any real argument or logical reasoning, other than trying to make your brain stop working for a few seconds as an aftermath of my own, well crafted, painfully honed stupidity gives me enough time to launch into my next insult. You, Mr. Claus, are also a feminist.

You are a racist feminist. You hate the elven race so you are racist and you provide no equal opportunities to the female elf population so you are a feminist. And you know what? I see right through you, Santa. You are just scared that the elves will be able to make enough money to leave your North Pole regime of discrimination and hate to buy homes for themselves in the liberal utopia that is the South Pole. You are scared of them buying homes. Ergo, you are also a homophobe.

It shocks my progressive grandstanding to see that we still have to put up with this corporate greed and non-human rights violations. Have you no soul, Mr Claus? Have you lost your soul in the North Pole, Mr Claus? To quote the great and appropriately obscure poet Omarion “Is there an icebox where your heart used to be?” How can you see these poor elves working in these in-humane conditions day in and day out, making them put together these overly priced treats while giving them no wage benefits, no job security. I was looking at the working conditions of your factory online on my iPhone. Mr Claus, you might know – is the 7 worth it or should I just stick to the 6s Plus till the 8 comes out? You are a Nazi, Santa Klaus.

Can you Nazi what you are contributing to? Everything about you makes me progressively angrier. Your slurs in the company of women. Calling them ho ho ho’s. How are you still using reindeer power to fly your sled? Why can’t you just Uber? Why can’t you use Tesla sleds? Don’t you care about the environment? My friends are all in agreement that you are Lucifer incarnate and you don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell to keep running your private affairs like this because your affairs are our affairs, but my affairs are my own because privacy in this digital age is very important. I know that your evil empire will soon crumble like the financial collapse of ’07. I have seen The Big Short eight times so I know what sub-prime loans are and you are a sub-prime demagogue.

You are on my list Santa. It is the dawn of a new day, and we the un-informed will rise like Icarus. There will be a new king in the North. You are a piece of shit.

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Fyez Ahmed

Fyez Ahmed

Fyez Ahmad is a Pakistani journalist currently based in Dubai