So yesterday, my friend Whatsapped me asking how much I liked Blake Lively. I replied that I found her fine as hell, of course. My response led me to be invited for the screening of Blake Lively’s The Shallows, which was playing at the Cinestar in Township, Lahore. As my friends and I entered the cinema, it became quite clear that what we’d been thinking was true all along. Everyone knew why they were here, and this claim was backed up by the fact that the entire cinema was brimming with men and had a curiously low turn-out of women.
The movie began just as everyone expected and wanted it to begin. Slow motion shots of Blake Lively on the beach as she changed from her clothes into beachwear and then headed out with her surfboard to catch some waves. The move takes a nice 15 minutes showing Blake Lively getting into the water and surf. On one occasion, one camera was placed right on top of her hips, and another right under it, getting a close-up of her chest. This was greeted by a round of applause from the testosterone filled cinema.
One the movie picks up pace, Blake finds herself getting bit by a a CGI shark the size of Dwayne Johnson and takes shelter on a huge rock (pun intended) in the middle of the shark-infested waters. Oh, I almost forgot, Blake had met a couple of other surfers earlier in the day and when they returned to the catch some more waves they found themselves getting eaten by the shark. Another random dude also wanted some screen time so he stole Blake’s phone and money while she could only look on from her rock. Soon enough, he also found himself being cut in half by the shark.
The next 20 minutes of the movie revolve around Blake trying to fix her thigh which the shark had bit into by using what she had available around her at the time, of course. Blake turns out to be a medical student (ta-dah!) and uses her earrings to form makeshift stitches (yes, stitches) and then decides to chill on the rock while talking to her pet bird which was also injured and stranded on the same rock.
During these scenes, there were several times my friends suggested that the bird should be up for an Oscar for the best supporting role.
As the movie finally gets to the point where Blake fights the CGI shark, the movie gets even more absurd as Blake finds herself underwater surrounded by glowing jellyfish and then uses a flare gun twice to set the shark ablaze.
Speaking of the shark, what a guy. I mean, there’s a completely fine, DEAD whale right there, and STILL the meanie has a taste for chasing down its victims.
Anyways, there’s a bit of over the top fun in the last 15 minutes of the movie where Blake finds herself finally killing the shark. This is followed by a “one year later” scene in which she returns to another beach back home in all her lens-flare-speckled glory while Sia’s “Bird Set Free” starts playing in the background.
Final rating: C-
Blake Lively entertainment factor rating: Oh, yeah. Ooooooooh, yeah.