The Depreciation of Ayyan’s Assets

LAHORE: In a shocking turn of events, supermodel Ayyan Ali was returned to her special cell in Adiala Jail yesterday evening a mere week after being released before the official Eid holidays.

This development, which has shattered the previous record of fastest return to prison of a Pakistani politician/celebrity by a margin of many years, caused a wave of speculation on social and electronic media over the nature of Ayyan’s most recent offense.

A press release from the CCPO Lahore failed to provide any clarity on the matter:

Supermodel Ayyan Ali violated the terms of her bail agreement by once again bringing disrepute upon herself and the nation. She has been placed on a 5-day judicial remand, pending trial.

The renowned fashion icon had been off the public radar since her much-publicized release from prison last week.

Her only public appearance of note was at a private dinner with famous Raghu Ram-impersonator and supposed bad-boy, Waqar Zaka.

Shortly after, Ayyan posted a now-viral selfie of her meeting with Zaka through her Facebook account.

Two days after the posting of this alleged selfie, an official statement regarding Ayyan’s re-arrest was released, leading many to suggest a possible connection between the two events.

“I mean, her first post out of jail is a selfie with Waqar Zaka,” bemoaned a prominent fashionista, on the condition of confidentiality. “In terms of questionable life decisions, this ranks far higher than money laundering.”

The few voices defending Ayyan claimed that, as a former student of a public-sector university, she didn’t know any better. These voices were, however, drowned out by a wave of anger against the soon-to-be B-list celebrity.

A prominent socialite claimed that Ayyan had violated the standards of decency and hygiene common to all true citizens of elite housing societies in Pakistan. He demanded that she be immediately blacklisted from all respectable country clubs in the country, and that she be barred from the privileges she enjoyed during her initial prison-stint since “she no longer represented the elite”.

Jan Bahadur a.k.a. Johnny Boulder, Chairperson of public decency watchdog, Citizens Voice Against Mailapan, called on the government to ensure the prevention of such incidents in the future.

In a hurriedly-called press conference at his residence in Model Town, Lahore, he announced yesterday, “We elites are a magnanimous bunch. If one of us is caught money-laundering we ignore it. After all, when has something like that caused anyone of us harm?”

“But when someone is so clearly guilty of maila-laundering,” he added in disgust, “we are left with few choices. We need to stand against such people or risk society’s 5000 thread count fabric being rent asunder.”

The prominent civil society leader spoke at length about the increased incidence of maila-laundering in major cities and warned all self-respecting elites against the dangers of this horrific practice.

“What kind of message are young girls in expensive private schools supposed to take from Ayyan’s actions?” he cried. “That it is okay to be seen within ten feet of a maila-boy?”

He also questioned what message maila-boys themselves were taking from such incidents.

“They have already laid claim on Centaurus,” he lamented. “Will we also let them think that our newsfeeds may be infiltrated as well?”

According to Boulder, however, the current incident of maila-laundering also provided concerned elites with a rare window into the modus operandi of the typical maila.

“They hope to become less maila by associating with us. This acquaints them with more people like us and thus a vicious cycle begins.”

He was of the view that this knowledge could be used to cleanse the nation from the menace of mailas once and for all.

“Our analysts believe that mailas can be lured into a giant trap with the promise of free VIP passes to the LUX Style Awards.”

“Once we have them far away their motorcycles and exactly where we want, we will be able to strike swiftly,” he added, on an encouraging note.


Ahmad Durrani

Ahmad Durrani is Associate Editor at Daily Pakistan Global. He is also an independent researcher and journalist working for Tanqeed, a South Asian journal of politics and culture. He tweets at @ahmad_sdurrani.