The Oscar campaign begins sometime in May, picks up speed in September, starts going flat-out in December and then finally climaxes in an orgy of self-congratulation in February.
The Oscar show isn’t much shorter.
These days, watching the Academy Awards kudoscast takes a commitment — at least four or five hours, starting with the very first red-carpet arrivals and ending with the final, tearful thank yous.
By which time we’re all in tears, too.
So, just as Hollywood routinely cuts down two-hour-long films into two-minute-long trailers, I’m doing the same — snipping out the boring bits and boiling down the rest into things we actually liked, loathed, tweeted about or will be looking for on YouTube in the days to come.
And some of the moments stars will be trying to forget for years. Let’s view everything as reported by NJ.com.
MOST AWKWARD RED CARPET MOMENT
Well, Melanie Griffith showing up for photographers with daughter Dakota Johnson — and then quietly moving out of the shot, so the photographers could get the photo they really wanted — looked like sad B-roll footage for a future E! True Hollywood story (especially with Dakota kind of snapping at her, later). A reporter announcing “Is that John Travolta? Who knows?” didn’t inspire confidence. (Hey, we understand — he looks just like Adele Dazeem!) And also — well, not exactly awkward, because he was having such a good time but — Kevin Hart’s tuxedo? Kevin Hart’s tuxedo? If only his last three films were that funny.
MOST AWESOME RED CARPET MOMENT
Yes, @LenaDunham had tweeted earlier to red-carpet interviewers, “Ask her about the causes she supports, not her support garments,” but we didn’t expect anyone to listen.
People seemed to listen, though, and Patricia Arquette even seized the initiative by volunteering that “Instead of getting a manicure, which I was supposed to do this morning,” she’d been setting up a raffle for charity, givelove.org. Which is involved in what? Um (very red-carpet-friendly topic here) building eco-friendly, compost toilets in the Third World. And, OK, go ahead, ask the question, entertainment journo. Go ahead, we know you need to, go ahead. And, Patricia, you’re wearing… A dress made by her childhood best friend. We love you, Patty Arquette. We do.
BEST OF NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
Look, Ellen DeGeneres had it easy last year — all she had to be was not be Seth MacFarlane. The bar’s a little higher this time. But NPH started off OK. I mean, his very first joke was “We open Hollywood’s best and whitest. Sorry, brightest.” So points for that. Also for the line about nervous actors, and the prearranged cut to Benedict Cumberbatch pretending to swill from a flask.
…AND THE WORST
But then we went to “Now everyone calls her Jenny from the Block and everyone calls him Chris Pine.” Um, OK. And “This next actress is lovely you could eat her up with her spoon. Ladies and gentleman, Reese Witherspoon!” OK, Neil, stop now. Recalculate. A little more Hedwig, NPH, a little less Henny Youngman.
THIRD-WORST INJUSTICE
How exactly are you honoring people for “a lifetime of inspirational achievement” by giving them the awards on some other night? Hey, you really want to honor achievement? Bring Maureen O’Hara up onstage. You really want to see us inspired? Give Harry Belafonte a stage, a live camera and a mike.
BEST SPEECH
J.K. Simmons takes the lead for starting off with “I am grateful every day for the most wonderful person I know, my wife” and then proceeding to tell people to call their parents — “Don’t text. Don’t email. Call your Mom or Dad.” Not exactly the sentiment we’d expect to hear from that vicious teacher in “Whiplash” but – oh yeah – acting.
Patricia Arquette may have gotten the biggest cheers from the crowd for calling out “To every woman who gave birth, to every taxpayer and citizen of this nation” to join the fight for wage equality (although why the heck did the show’s orchestra then play her off to Isaac Hayes “Theme from ‘Shaft’?”) Julianne Moore was sweet and moving. And loved screenwriter Graham Moore, picking up his Oscar for “The Imitation Game,” talking about teen suicide, and urging kids to “stay weird, stay different.”
WORST SPEECH
Please, you, the little Cockney who just won for the best live-action short? From the director who just won best-foreign-language film, we can take stubbornly ignoring the get-off-the-stage music. From you? Not so much.
SECOND WORST INJUSTICE
That you can give a best visual effects Oscar to those jokers from “Interstellar,” when there’s a hairdresser walking the earth who actually glued that thing to John Travolta’s head — it’s a world gone mad, people.
BEST MUSICAL NUMBER
John Legend and Common on “Glory” from “Selma.” Simple, stark, moving, real. Unlike the other, oh, three-plus hours of this show. But why didn’t someone have the simple good taste to go to a commercial afterward, instead of another lame NPH joke?
WORST MUSICAL NUMBER
The opening song started out OK, but Anna Kendrick’s “Cinderella” appearance had us flashing back, not on “Into the Woods,” but Rob Lowe and Snow White. And whose idea was it to have Adam Levine get up there and murder Keira Knightley’s lovely song from “Begin Again” — and make her sit there and watch it?
LEAST NECESSARY MUSICAL NUMBER
You cut all the actual clips from the “In Memoriam” segment, not showing us anything from the movies these poor people actually made, just using sketches so we could speed things along, keep the show moving, and make room for — a Jennifer Hudson song?
WORST INJUSTICE
… especially after you don’t include Joan Rivers in the R.I.P. roll call. “Who are you wearing?” I don’t know, but it sure looks like you’ve got mud on your face, people.
BIGGEST WHAT-THE-HELL MOMENT
You mean apart from Jared Leto’s whole “Jesus Goes to the Prom” look? Well, the “Oscar predictions” running gag with Neil Patrick Harris and good-sport Octavia Spencer never went anywhere.
SECOND BIGGEST SURPRISE
Not really that huge – the SAG prize practically gave it away – but the Best Actor won still seemed like a toss-up right up until the end, and Eddie Redmayne’s marvelously verklempt speech was very sweet.
BIGGEST SURPRISE
That in its own unexpected salute to “Boyhood,” the show was actually broadcast over 12 years.
