Political Affairs and Intimacy Fracas

Last four weeks experienced and the next four weeks are promising such high-thrill drama in the political and personal affairs of Pakistan’s leadership that many weak-hearted may die of it. Take it easy, folks. In other countries people die for such great and perpetual entertainment. You are lucky you get all this for free, and you can take part live by taking sides, hooting for players you don’t like, or cheering performers you like –  or blast both (which is the majority and the safest bet in Pakistan).

Previously, such thrills used to be in the movies. Now action-thrill movies look like amateur work when compared to the open-secret politics and hidden but obvious affairs of our leading lights.

First, the good news. This drama of political affairs and intimacy fracas are half-dress rehearsals for our 70th birthday celebrations. By yom-e-azadi, the way hidden and old secrets are coming to light, many leading figures are all set to be marching in their birthday suits.

In the last few days, we have seen intense competition of media attention between two big Khans: the boxer and the cricketer Khan. This piece will help you comprehend the confusion, and share three of latter’s alleged texts with tips to re-interpret and contextualize.

The Khans apparently are in trouble, for different reasons, and to different degrees. But this is not the first time, nor will it be the last. Such troubles are what have made them who they are. So relax and wait for more.

Here a disclaimer. This piece is boys-talk. My dear and respected women may ignore it, or read in speed. Like any boys talks, this has less political correctness, but plenty of social accuracy. Political correctness is not our thing; we feel so odd when trying it.

There are two types of people: those taking IK’s side, and those who want him out.  Not many are with AG or those who are willing to give her the benefit of the doubt – if, when and should there be a doubt. That makes me a tiny minority. My position is, IK sent those texts, and many more to many more.

Both Khans feel cheated and tricked, and are tackling this as per their respective expertise in boxing and cricket. One is trying to punch the opponent where it hurts the most – in his view – and knock her out of the ring of his life. The other is trying to swing his balls at high speed to make the opponent to fall in the slips or get legs before, if not a hit-wicket. It seems, the in-swing did not work, so he hopes the out-swings do.

Boxer Khan used rapid punches on tweet, then raised his own arm to declare suo moto knockout of his wife. Since that is an emerging story, we would get back to it as soon as they get back to each other.

Re IK, we must appreciate that intimate communication in SMS is like net-practice in cricket. We don’t bother no balls, runs are not attempted and we don’t get out either. Such practice makes player perfect. It mustn’t be equated with performance that keeps the player in game. Purpose of net-practice is help one play well in a match, if there ever is a match.

In cricket, just like in life, many potentially great players and match winners enjoy practice much more than the matches. In older days, they were called Play Boys. But our Khan is not a play boy. He played many matches and he is not hanging his boots or his guard or himself yet. Let’s not mix his net-practice with a match he perhaps did not intend.

I give two tips which will help better understand the context of IK messages. One, Khan saab was high on the hill, as well as on life when he sent those. As soon as he landed back on ground, and off his bed, he followed those with political talk. Two, it seems his naïve opponent liked the cricketer more than she understood cricket. Otherwise she would have responded by saying ‘its not cricket’ or, ‘’sir, don’t swing it too wide’, or ‘please watch for no balls’.

She also seems to have over-interpreted what were to be under-stood, and followed some deliveries which were moving away and deserved to be well-left.

Now, lets review a few texts that IK allegedly sent. Though we don’t know the context, but being men, we know from practice if not observation what do we mean by such lines.

One text reads, yeh dil maange more. I think it was sponsored or he meant coke, not pepsi. But certainly not a match. For, you can only ask for more what you already have had, and from the same person. A new ask from a new person can’t have the suffix of more.

Another text: ‘I want to see you rise to the top’. This in my view is expression of political wish, not an intent of carnal desire. The third we have got, reads: ‘I like titsbits’. Of course he meant tidbit, but trembling fingers in the altered state committed a typo. When you are too much on twitter, you tend to see more Ts than other alphabets. Ask Trump if in any doubt.

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Arshed Bhatti

Arshed Bhatti

Arshed Bhatti is a typical Pakistani who operates at very high level of confidence with extremely low level of knowledge. Being true Muslim he believes the real life is in the hereafter and urges countrymen to take it easy here, and enjoy the talk shows. He founded Civil Junction café, and now writes songs, satire and consultancy reports. He tweets @CivilJunction