Watch Out ISPR – no, not you!

  • ISPR has made Pakistan invincible; It’s Twitter handle is the second biggest thing after our atomic stockpile

You may have heard the famous quote, ‘What’s in a name’. That’s false truth, because we know we are not just another name. But, it seems true if we casually compare two similarly scented and coloured roses ala Shakespeare.

This poetic reference denotes that any similarity between the ISPR this piece is about, and the ISPR you think it maybe about, is accidental, and I reserve the right to call it ‘a figment of imagination’. But knowing there is not much imagination when it comes to ISPR, why ab/use this poor figment in isolation and alone! And, why reserve a right one knows one can never use?

There are many ISPRs in the world not known to many in Pakistan, which are never confused with the ISPR. Like, Independent Scientific Peer Review (ISPR), Internal Software Problem Reports (ISPR), In Situ Problem Solving (ISPR), International Society for Paranormal Research (ISPR), and above all, Indian Scientists Plagiarise Research (ISPR).

Just like two namesakes may not have much in common other than the spellings of their name, two abbreviations do not have much in common either. For example, my abbreviation is AB, it doesn’t mean I should start acting – or reacting – like Mr. Amitabh Bachchan!

Hence I would request the readers to trust me, not to listen to your inner voice, and do not believe your gut feelings that it’s not the ISPR I say I am blasting, but it’s the ISPR you suspect I’m trying to poke.

I give you a tip to keep the ISPR in a separate compartment of mind which will help not to confuse my ISPR with yours. Though, to appreciate my ISPR, you need to know a couple of things about your ISPR.

There is no organizational parallel in Pakistan to succinctly tell how your ISPR, from a tiny department of the military has grown to what it is now. But, as you may agree, there is always a parallel – good, bad or odd – but there is always a parallel. So the most apt parallel in this case is corruption. Both corruption and ISPR have seen mammoth growth in Pakistan in the last 30 years. Both are everywhere and all over.

Another bad attempt at worse example, which should not be repeated (it must only be used once to comprehend the odd parallel, then forgotten forever), is of (wrong allegation on) Pak Army as ‘State within a State’. Or the worst (example, not the fact) what ISI (again, wrongly) is accused of being ‘real force that ran the forces’.

In the last 15 years, when Pakistani electronic media was unleashed by jolly good Gen (R for Recovering) Musharraf, the ISPR too got inflated. Now, some fake Pakistanis say, it runs the forces hand-in-hand with the ISI, and its tweets on politicians have outnumbered the shells army fired on the enemy. We ought to take such allegations easy, must not bother, and smilingly wait for the next tweet by ISPR.

Our ISPR has made Pakistan further invincible. It’s Twitter handle is the second biggest thing after our atomic stockpile. If there is ever a war with India, no need to use the Bomb; we can bomb them virtually flat with ISPR tweets. InshaAllah.

The odd examples above are just to elaborate bad parallels and should not be taken as comment, let alone criticism, on the best Army in Pakistan, the best intelligence agency in the region, the best Public Relations agency of any military anywhere in the world, and the real ISPR.   

Now, hoping you have understood your ISPR a bit better, one can talk about the ISPR this piece is about. That is not an institution or a department. Its an open-secret delightful phenomenon, as pervasive and persistent as is our collective ignorance, and individual greed.

That ISPR has four intertwined aspects and each reads ISPR. The main ISPR is Infinite Supply of Powerful Rumours. The tagline ISPR is Invisible Saints of Pakistan’s Reform. The refrain ISPR is I’m the Solution to Political Rot. Last but not the least – and the essence – is Innate Source of Patriotic Ruse (ISPR).

Now, I admit it is our duty as proud and patriotic Pakistanis to save the ISPR from competing ISPRs. And, it is incumbent upon ISPR not to act – or react – like these newbies which sound like it. After all, similar abbreviations do not mean they should start spelling out the same pandemonium.

As parting pleasantry, I’m sure you are not confusing your ISPR with the others this piece is about!

Arshed Bhatti

Arshed Bhatti

Arshed Bhatti is a typical Pakistani who operates at very high level of confidence with extremely low level of knowledge. Being true Muslim he believes the real life is in the hereafter and urges countrymen to take it easy, and enjoy the talk shows. He writes songs, satire and fake non-fiction. He tweets @CivilJunction