Dear President of the US and Mr. Donald The Trump, we Pakistanis cordially invite you both to visit us as soon as you complete your first year as POTUS. To remind you, it’s happening this weekend on 20th Jan.
GoP (not the Republican Party, its Government of Pakistan) is too shy and confused to send you an invite, so we the citizens decided to mediate. After all, that’s how things look going forward: citizens step in when governments fail.
Our invite is also a post-colonial snub to the UK– where the PM invited but citizens opposed.
GoP is shy for Pak-US affair has been full of bad dates. It’s confused because it’s not clear who will bell the cat. No, no, you are not the cat in this example. There are many a cat of our own that we ought to bell but don’t know how! Even the cats are clueless.
The confusion at our end is certainly not over whether to invite you.
Everyone in Pakistan will be thrilled to have you over, see you in person, have firmer, longer handshake than the French President, and also see your hair ruffled by a TV anchor if permitted.
This last act of affection will be afforded only to those few TV anchors that you and your security clears.
The confusion was over who may do the first draft of the invite, who may vet it and approve. We eased our PM and got this invite not only vetted by all concerned but also approved by the Army Chief.
Now, this invite is as authentic, earnest and vehement as your tweet.
Your visit may not bring immediate prosperity, or even the release of $300+ million suspended aid. But it will bring billion-dollar pleasantness and relief to 200 million Pakistanis when they see everyone in India green with envy, to see you visit Pakistan. On that, we request you to only visit us and ignore India.
That way, you will get even with your archrival Hillary’s arch-husband Clinton’s India yatra of 1998 when he stopped over in Pakistan only to use lavatory as that in the Air Force One was not working.
But instead of answering the call of nature at an airport facility, Mr. Clinton drove all the way to our Parliament Hill for that purpose and thus graced us and our democracy.
Our military leadership did to like his ignoring the GHQ lavatory which was only 5 minutes from the airport. Therefore, soon after Mr. Clinton left, the then COAS staged a coup, took over GOP and parliament and sealed that lavatory the POTUS had used.
Now you can undo the historical foibles and wrongs of US presidents from the Donkey Party.
Mr. Bush also visited us and played ball with kids of his mental age. During your visit, you will play ball with leaders of your league.
We propose you visit on Valentine’s day. Here are a few suggested engagements for your kind consideration.
The most important is your attending our future PM Imran Khan’s wedding reception. By then we expect his proposal would be accepted, and even if it’s not, we assure you the reception will be held.
Recently, Mr. Khan said he was looking forward to hug you. Our media, like always, misunderstood his ‘bitter-pill’ metaphor. He, in fact, meant he would like to have an intimate sniffing session with you.
During your visit to Lahore, you may address the PAT-PIT-PPP dharna – our inventive and creative take on the outdoor celebration of political dissent. After that, you would be welcomed to Mr. Sharif’s version of your resorts in Raiwind where you may feast brain masala.
We in Pakistan believe we can help regenerate our dysfunctional body parts by eating the same parts of a slaughtered he-goat. In case need be, you can also try gurde-kapoore at Lakshmi.
Next, you’ll be taken to Rawalpindi and straight to GHQ lavatory so that there is no coup after your visit.
Our real leadership will offer you a palatial house in any DHA of your liking as a gift. God forbid in case you get impeached, Pakistan is the best place to be after the US for leaders like yourself.
We shall send a revised and finalized itinerary as soon as you accept this invite in principle.
Meanwhile, please accept our heartiest congratulations on completing your first – and probably the only and last – year in office.
Chashm brah – the entire and great Pakistani Nation.
