How to do your original Conspiracy Theory!

Pakistan is in top three countries who produce high quality ‘conspiracy theories’. India and USA are slightly ahead. Given that they have 1.5 billion people and more resources, qualitatively we are almost at par, if not ahead of them. That day is not far when we would beat them squarely.

This brief is an attempt to help us win this global race.

A conspiracy theory, like scientific theories, forcefully explains forcibly hidden causes of certain social and political happening of grand impact and interest.

The prefix is added to the valid theory so that social and non-social scientists do not feel offended. Otherwise, CTs elucidate complex puzzles as plainly as this Law of Forced Motion, i.e., if you push someone, it will be pushed, if it fails to slap you back.

Like we can’t grow sweet mangoes anywhere, CTs cannot be nurtured anywhere. C theorists flourish in countries where truth needs to be told, but the powers that be don’t let you tell.

Many of them start as poets, but finding the rules of lyricism more conducive to anti-creativity, turn to theorizing. Denial of access to information triggers excess of imagination. Then CTs are more exhilarating than poetry, as they inform, entertain, satisfy the curiosity of millions and save many millions from anxiety and stress. They are pure common good, like clean water and fresh air.

Cynics says CTs have little sense and lots of nonsense. The art is to make it sound the opposite: lots of sense, and a bit of ‘may be’. Its awe and stun value must be so deep that audiences stop thinking. Given that, most of them don’t know what’s thinking; a great start indeed!

As the prefix suggests, CTs must be racy but they are rumours, which are play of the dumbs. CTs are offerings of the active minds for the delight of the Lahori hearts.

Every CT by default is layered, like lasagna (lazanya singular, lazanye plural). With layers of succinct analyses, lucid description, integrative application of who did it, why they did it, what are their benefits – and our losses. In Pakistan, we do not care about our losses bit. For us, a CT has intrinsic value, like a great poem: it’s good because it makes you feel good.

Cynics say countries with huge war industry, deep rich-poor divide, poverty, corruption, low quality of education, pervasive faith-based ignorance and absence of social and legal justice are breeding grounds for CTs. That’s propaganda, and attempt to deny due credit to imaginative, noble theorists. Have heart folks. If its good to give the devil his due, why isn’t it okay to give due credit to CT makers!

There are of 3 types of conspiracy theories: Topical, international, and proactively pre-emptive. We are adept at all equally, and for net practice we keep producing lots of local flavours too.

We can develop an almanac of CTs since 1947. But, our best came in the last 15 years. Starting with who did nine-eleven, how / when OBL died, and vaccines cause infertility.

Now, DIY of CTS. You must have confidence and enthusiasm; without which nothing happens. Then, think less, believe more. If you’re not thinking type, big bliss. Then pick a topic, and like a tweet, start from anything.

CTs are bridge between what the party we don’t like states and what the party we like believes; take ‘facts of Party A’, and blast them with your facts; and, know beliefs are superior to facts.

If you are wondering why to have our own CTs? I know people who felt more euphoria on their CT being even half true, than on the birth of first son. Since happiness and joy are the real gains of life, CTs offer viable shortcuts to these gains with no pains.

Can you imagine free happiness? If you can’t, you are ready. Just do it.

Arshed Bhatti

Arshed Bhatti

Arshed Bhatti is a typical Pakistani who operates at very high level of confidence with extremely low level of knowledge. Being true Muslim he believes the real life is in the hereafter and urges countrymen to take it easy, and enjoy the talk shows. He writes songs, satire and fake non-fiction. He tweets @CivilJunction