The Two-Nation Theory ‘leaks’!

In the last one decade, between WikiLeaks and Panama leaks, there have been too many leaks that wet the world and made it a more slippery place.

Some of them had more impact than flooding as they swept away and drowned the high and mighty. Hillary Clinton lost presidential elections last year while we lost prime minister this year, and flooding is still on. On that, calling them leaks is trivializing. It’s like calling judiciary’s political waltz, the rule of law.

But if you thought the season of leaks was over and there was nothing left to leak anymore, you knew nothing. So hold your breath my dears – the mother of all leaks is here!

Experts are still working and wondering whether to call the top secret leaks Indian leaks, Partition leaks, or Pakistani leaks! As they pertain to 1930s when Iqbal dreamt of Pakistan, till 1947 when Quaid-i-Azam delivered us freedom at midnight.

Since technically Pakistan as we know it was not there, I’m sure they won’t be called Pakistani leaks.

Experts are called experts because, even when they can come up with answers quickly, they pretend it took them huge time and effort. In other words, if experts start coming up with answers quickly, no one will take them as seriously as the experts are accustomed to. That’s where opinion mongers, I mean, the opinion generators step in and have a field day.

The benefit of being an opinion generator is that you don’t waste your or others’ time in offering solutions to any problem. For, you have the innate competence to offer a solution even before knowing the problem. More on this, in a bit.

Our recent top secret leaks reveal intimate confabulations between Mr Jinnah on one hand, and Mr Ghandi, Mr Nehru, and Mr Patel on the other. They shed colourful light on hitherto grey areas of the real-reasons behind the Two Nation Theory. That’s why, as an opinion generator, I expertly and quickly decided to call these leaks Two Nation Theory Leaks, for short TNT Leaks.

Friends, these leaks establish the real reasons behind the partition of India were not political or communal. They had culinary, i.e., food related dynamics.

For now, we are only showing the tip of the iceberg. For, in the history and practice of all leaks, it’s the tip which has always mattered more than the base. In future, we may reveal more, if Trump asked us.

One leak: when Gandhi asked Jinnah, why did the latter eat hamburger? “Isn’t it prohibited in Islam?” Jinnah the brilliant, candid, and legally correct maestro of the nuances of constitution and rules thus rebuked him: “I take it in Britain where there is neither any Islam nor its prohibition. Same is the case with India, which is a British colony.” This is what made Jinnah stand head and shoulders above his rivals.

When Nehru asked, “what’d you do in Pakistan!” Jinnah said, “I shall what the majority would”.

Nehru, the leaks denote, felt happy and secured with the answer as he felt his vegetables were safe. But he was badly mistaken.

When not leaving it to assumptions, Nehru asked what were Jinnah’s views on vegetables and being a vegetarian. Jinnah quipped, “The goats we love to eat are all vegetarians, like you, my dear.”

When Sardar Patel asked that whether ham was closer to mutton or beef? Jinnah’s insightful answer was, “it depends on the size”. On hearing the word size, Indian leaders started looking askance.

More leaks are pouring in but our rapid scan suggests the real reason behind India’s partition, and the catalyst of the partition, Two-Nation-Theory was meat vs. vegetables, i.e., carnivorous vs. vegetarians.

These leaks also dispel the popular impression that Jinnah wanted a secular Pakistan. He undoubtedly wanted a country where anyone could eat and sell any and all meat.

The TNT leaks also suggest those folks who mix vegetables with meat are those – or their children – who did not accept the partition of India and creation of Pakistan by heart. Please be aware of them!

All those people who were recently arrested for selling donkey meat must be freed as they were merely celebrating being free and true Pakistanis. And all those Lahoris who gleefully feasted were manifesting their being true Pakistanis whose motto is – In Meat We Trust!

After all, what’s the difference between a donkey and a goat – only size! Because before we get them down, both look equally innocent. So if you cut the morsel small, a donkey is as delicious as a goat.

More leaks are in the pipeline. Till then let’s resolve to make Pakistan meaty again.

Arshed Bhatti

Arshed Bhatti

Arshed Bhatti is a typical Pakistani who operates at very high level of confidence with extremely low level of knowledge. Being true Muslim he believes the real life is in the hereafter and urges countrymen to take it easy, and enjoy the talk shows. He writes songs, satire and fake non-fiction. He tweets @CivilJunction