Dear countrymen, let’s take it easy and stop demanding the intra-judicial lynching of our dear anchor Shahid Masood. He is one of the quarter-finalists of the 2018 chapter of Loud Anchors’ Unlimited League of Pakistan, currently in full swing in the rowdy-loudy urban republic of Pakistan.
The winner of this league has not been conferred a title yet, so yours truly is doing the honours: Let’s call him, her, or them Anchor-in-Chief of Pakistan, i.e., AICP.
This AICP as an abbreviation may not seem as sleek, impressive, and awe-inspiring as, for example, COAS, or CJP, yet! But, it recognises the fact that the latter two became what they are because of their history and historical force of ‘gun and coup’, and ‘wrong verdicts’ behind them respectively.
Give us and yourself a few more years, and Anchor-in-Chief will be as lethal and toxic to democracy and public health as the incumbent CJP is aspiring to be (or as Mr Chaudhary as CJP was), and as any COAS effortlessly is.
Even though the incumbent COAS did not seem to be cut-out to be a civilian-pulveriser, but as we say in Urdu ‘na na karte bhi itna kuch ho he gya’ (for a translation, don’t try Google).
If you have not noticed what I have, in the last ten years, that is, since the return of civilians to the Presidency, that is since Mr Zardari happened to be on the hill; every year there is a national contest of which anchor has said the most sensational, most controversial, and most lethal things that bring the government down, at least on its knees if not completely face down. But, each time the anchor in question only succeeds in bringing the government to him or her, with valuable material compensation.
Just like any new sport, or say a new form of an old sport, the respective championship race gains currency, attention and popularity very gradually. Recall, how the ODI (one-day internationals) in cricket were gradually recognized, and then the T20s, which are still struggling to be recognized.
Similarly, this league took its time, but now has come of age and as soon as the CJP and his brother judges wink at Shahid Masood or squirm at his proofs, he could be declared the AICP of 2018.
Now, if you are wondering what the criteria are to be a contestant of this league, here they are: First and foremost, you need to be an anchor – but that’s, as economists put it, a necessary not a sufficient condition.
The template to be an AICP is different than the one that helps a PM to pick a COAS, but, despite a very different process, the results tend to be similar if not the same.
To pick a COAS, there are set criteria to find the most suitable person for the job, and in the last 20 years since Mush, they got it wrong every time – except the last. However, once the incumbent COAS retires, we may review this one because it is something which can only be assessed and judged in hindsight, just like a love affair or a marriage.
I know as you know, it’s the civilian inefficiency that they distort, misplay and goes for the worst choice. Here, I am making a case, that just like the judiciary, the Army should also pick its own boss. This way, once there is no civilian interference in selecting a COAS, as a return gesture, the COAS may spare the civilians by no military intervention in their affairs.
Back to the criteria of AICP. The anchor-in-chief has to be somebody who can scare the maximum, sensationalise the most and predict the unpredictable, like doomsday or the sex-change of someone high and mighty (I won’t give an example of who he can be, you pick your own favourite H&M here).
We are now in the final stages, and the four contestants are Shahid Masood, Amir Liaqat (currently hit-wicket and sitting out), Orya Maqbool Jan (playing his swansong), and Mr Mir (who got a wildcard entry in this season).
Some of my friends call AICP merchants of mayhem, who use sensation as their sorcery, and ability to retract from a critical claim a skill just like a googly or doosra. But don’t listen to them; they are anti-state elements. Our anchors are here to entertain us, not to scare us. If you get scared and don’t like them, you are not allowed to change the anchor, or channel – change the country.
And this year’s AICP is, well let’s wait for the SC verdict; albeit, Godspeed Shahid Masood.
