Islamabad, December 2: In a hastily called press conference, Interior Minister Chaudhry Nisar Ali Khan said that the relevant agencies were investigating the Black Friday scandal, an event which he believed had instigated the nation’s “traditionally cooperative middle-class khawatein” to begin taking “whatever they wanted” from life.
He was joined by Junaid Jamshed, repentant liberal and Special Advisor to the Prime Minister on the Place of Women, who predicted an imminent “aurat uprising” if the practice of subsidizing women to “choose between different options” continued. The Special Advisor also added that “Friday is never Black”, which is why his clothing brand was only being marketed on homeshopping.pk.
Chaudhry Nisar explained that while nothing conclusive could currently be said about the elements behind Black Friday, he suspected a foreign hand was responsible for the event. He warned people against being fooled by the “local-sounding” names of Daraz and Kaymu, the companies marketing Black Friday in Pakistan. He questioned whether any true Pakistani would willfully disrupt the holy day of Friday by making women forget their duties on this holy day.
“Just imagine; it was the first time that I wasn’t served chai upon returning from the Friday sermon at the GHQ,” he lamented.
Junaid Jamshed felt that the Jewish lobby had orchestrated Black Friday to destabilize Pakistan. “It is in the nature of women to go into a frenzy when their wishes are being fulfilled,” he explained. “This is why we are forbidden from keeping our women satisfied.”
The Special Advisor believed that Black Friday might have been acceptable if it was reserved exclusively for men, even in spite of its “offensive” name. He believed that men were not susceptible to the same “base urges” as women, as they were already used to getting exactly what they wanted in life. “This is why you don’t see uncles playing tug-of-war with each other at the Tie Shop.”
He reminded everyone of what happened in the West, where the seemingly benign movement for women’s suffrage had led more than half of the female population to embrace the faith of lesbianism. “It is no coincidence that our culture places special emphasis on restricting women’s choices,” he added. “It is to guard against the peril of women who refuse to make babies with us.”
The briefing was interrupted by a man trying to the convince the audience that Black Friday was a harmless “sales gimmick” which only sought to “seduce” people into buying things they didn’t really need. He claimed to be a spokesperson of German tech giant, Rocket Internet, which he said was the parent company of Daraz and Kaymu, the elements responsible for Black Friday. He added that this was not a secret, as Rocket Internet’s ownership of these elements had been highlighted on the company website.
Drawing everyone’s attention back towards himself, Chaudhry Nisar played an audio clip on his phone of the spokesperson explaining that Rocket Internet was a parent company of Daraz and Kaymu. “It seems like my initial suspicions about the origins of Black Friday were correct,” he said, pointing towards his phone. “This is a recorded confessional statement showing that Black Friday is a foreign conspiracy.”
