London: The Proxy Capital of Islamic Republic of Pakistan

  • According to the initial buzz, only the PML(N)'s party chief and the kitchen cabinet will operate from there

It is my pleasure to break a piece of news by way of this column: London is going to be Pakistan’s Capital city.

No, no, not as a replacement of Islamabad, but as a privileged proxy capital, besides Islamabad.

According to the initial buzz, only the PML(N)’s Party Chief and the kitchen cabinet will operate from there. The rest of the ministers and minions – particularly those not related to the Sharif family – will work from Islamabad.

If you are wondering how a feature article could break the news, take it easy. It can, and we are doing it. Rok sako tou rok lo.

We admit, in the not-so-old days, columns and features were not used to even discuss news, let alone break it. They were written to follow up on the already broken news, either to magnify or nullify its impact – if that news had any impact at all.

As you know, in the last 10 years, Pakistan’s independent and electronic media had more Breaking News than actual news. And, many of these were too broken to be repeated, or even verified.

Back to our ‘first’ breaking news in a feature. We are doing it to assert that the business of Breaking News is not the monopoly of Geo, or for that matter the electronic media in Pakistan.

Twitter broke this monopoly in the world. We are going a step ahead and doing it in Pakistan. We know, no one ever dared it before us; and no one will ever do it after us either. We may do it again, though!  

Despite its being ‘breaking news’, which mostly are bad news, ours is pleasant and good news. Imagine London as our Capital, what else could the poor of Pakistan have asked for?

It’s our post-colonial leaders’ revenge of the colonial acts of the British. They reportedly did it through the East India Company and took several decades. Our leaders did it through an offshore company, and in far less time.

This development is as recent as last week, and this news is so fresh that even the Mayor of London or the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom don’t know it yet. Only Mr. Shahbaz Shareef has been tipped, that in case he becomes the PM in 2018, he should be ready to divide his time, and wives, between Lahore and London.

You see, this is what a real and authentic Breaking News is!  

The idea of this development of great significance came soon after Mr. Nawaz Sharif was asked by the Supreme Court to take a break from his third term, to sort out his property issues and clear the false corruption charges levelled against him and his innocent children, so that he is not dismissed before completing his fourth term.

Some of his property issues were so complicated that even Mr. Dar could not straighten or solve them. Like a certain property that was sold by his sons several years before the family even bought it.

This brilliant idea was floated by an unnamed, Lahore-based serving bureaucrat who is close to both Nawaz and Shahbaz Sharif, and who was solving the riddle of how the children of the former-and-future Prime Minister are not called to Pakistan’s rotten courts and accountability courtyards every now and then. And, how Ms. Maryam may retain Islamabad if she is neither PM nor MNA after 2018 elections.

You see, all crises are not bad; some end up with delightful aftermaths. This being a case in point.

Now, if you are wondering, how could and how would it be! Very simple, we just had a full dress rehearsal in the last two weeks.  

Many of you may not have even noticed it. In the last two weeks, when almost all of the who is who of PML-N – including the former, the incumbent, and the future PMs – were there.

Since assuming office, the sitting PM has made more trips to London than Lahore. Similarly, Mr. Shahbaz Sharif has made almost as many trips to London as to Islamabad in the last three months.

Though more details are emerging, a few are confirmed. Like, the NAB will have its Camp Office in London for the facility of both parties, and in one of the flats which belong to neither the Sharif family nor anyone else. The next JIT will also be held in the Hyde Park. And, PTI will have its post 2018 elections dharna in Trafalgar Square.

It is not yet confirmed if Mr. Altaf Hussain will be part of the London Cabinet or not. However, the Queen is said to be elated over this unexpected opportunity to enjoy a recolonization of sorts.


Arshed Bhatti

Arshed Bhatti

Arshed Bhatti is a typical Pakistani who operates at very high level of confidence with extremely low level of knowledge. Being true Muslim he believes the real life is in the hereafter and urges countrymen to take it easy, and enjoy the talk shows. He writes songs, satire and fake non-fiction. He tweets @CivilJunction