After suffering a miscarriage last month, Chrissy Teigen has penned a heartbreaking essay about grief and gratitude.
“I had no idea when I would be ready to write this,” she posted on Instagram on Tuesday. “Part of me thought it would be early on when I was still really feeling the pain of what happened. … I didn’t really know how I would start this, no matter the room or state I was in, but it feels right, to begin with, a thank you.”
The 34-year-old thanked her family, friends, and fans for sending in countless messages of love and support.
“For weeks, our floors have been covered in flowers of kindness. Notes have flooded in and have each been read with our own teary eyes. Social media messages from strangers have consumed my days, most starting with, ‘you probably won’t read this, but…’. I can assure you, I did.”
Teigen, who has two other children with John Legend, also shared how her diagnosis with partial placenta abruption led to extensive bleeding, which eventually resulted in a stillbirth.
“At this point, I had already come to terms with what would happen: I would have an epidural and be induced to deliver our 20 weeks old, a boy that would have never survived in my belly (please excuse these simple terms),” she wrote. “I was previously on bed rest for over a month, just trying to get the little dude to 28 weeks, a “safer” zone for the fetus.”
“…I had a pretty bad night in bed, after a not-so-great ultrasound, where I was bleeding a bit more than even my abnormal amount. My bleeding was getting heavier and heavier. The fluid around Jack had become very low — he was barely able to float around. At some points, I swore it was so low I could lay on my back and feel his arms and legs from outside my belly.”
“Here we were, just wheeled down to a new floor, me covered in a thin blanket to hide, knowing I was about to fully deliver what was supposed to be the 5th member of our beautiful family, a son, only to say goodbye moments later,” she continued in her essay.
“People cheered and laughed right outside our door, understandably for a new life born and celebrated. You kind of wonder how anyone is thinking about anyone but you.”
Describing her tragic experience, she explained how she felt sadness, uncomfortable happiness, guilt, and love, all at once.
“To our Jack – I’m so sorry that the first few moments of your life were met with so many complications, that we couldn’t give you the home you needed to survive. We will always love you.”
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